A Southern Fairy Tale
since coming south i have decided
that the only place skeeters abided
was the north, and they're big there,
they fill up like pigs there,
but the southerners all have denied it.
so i watched, both outdoors and inside,
to see if these critters i spied.
not a skeeter i'd see,
they just can't convince me.
if they're here, then the skeeters all died.
when the young man became contumacious
his mom was a bit less than gracious.
and with all said and done
and his battle not won,
his fight had not been efficacious.
(look that up in your Funk and Wagnal.)
there once was a woman acquainted
with a gal who's repute was quite tainted.
the tainted gal spoke
of the rules she had broke,
and the woman fell over and fainted.
i once had a swiss cheese face
with holes that i tried to erase.
i rubbed and i rubbed,
grabbed the soap and i scrubbed.
when i looked i was gone! not a trace.
the high temps are keeping us roasting.
in the hundreds the midwest is boasting.
the sidewalks are searing
and now i am hearing
that breakfast is currently toasting.
When being referred to as "Mom",
It's easy to smile and stay calm.
But it gets pretty shady
If you call me "old lady".
And I quickly explode, like a bomb.
there once was a happy wordsmith
who people were glad to work with.
but her hubby once muttered
as, the wordsmith, she sputtered,
"she sure ain't a breeze to live with."
while on our trip and coastal cruising,
we encountered a sight quite amusing.
didn't want to be rude,
but a camp in the nude
was one place to go i was refusing.
if it's "Be Kind To Spiders" all week,
then a way to be kind i should seek.
i could feed them each day.
or teach them to pray,
cause they won't have a prayer, so to speak. :}
when i reached down to pick up that dish
i threw the remains to the fish.
twas a spider inside,
and he tried hard to hide,
but he died, and the poor boy went "SQUISH!"
there once was a spider named Fred,
who continually stood on his head.
he bounced and he quivered
till the kitchen maid shivered.
and she smashed Fred until he was dead...
...poor fred. LOLOLOLOL
in an effort to be a good wife
i have cooked dinners most of my life.
but the years cooking for him,
even though i adore him,
are causing me kitchen stove strife.
it's time that i made a concession.
i'm sick of winter's expression.
there' been snow. there's been rain,
and it's all been a pain.
i'm considering a major depression.
but then, i remember the summer
when the weather was really a bummer!
it was HOT, and i complained,
but the Hot, it still remained.
now, i just couldn't feel much dumber.
this old girl was weird from the start,
but we all knew she had a good heart.
her manners were pleasing
even when she was teasing.
she sure was an ornery old fart.
i once spied a creature quite perky
who was nervous and looking quite jerky.
"i'm quite fond of living,
but it's nearing Thanksgiving,
when it's never quite safe for a turkey."
there once was a group of young girls
who dressed up their hair in fine curls.
the boys came around,
but each one was turned down.
cause a girl demands diamonds and pearls.
i just feel like getting drunk.
as drunk, as they say, as a skunk.
but if i were drunk,
as drunk as a skunk,
i would probably flunk as a drunk.
There once was a redheaded floosey
who woke up one day feeling woosey.
"I thought I was fine
drinking expensive wine.
Guess from now on it'll pay to be choosey."
...(bring on the musketelle)
i once met a brown cow named Rose
who had a gold ring in her nose.
"Don't bulls wear the ring,
or is this a new thing?"
"Oh, it's cool, cause it matches my clothes."
when a friend gives a subtle suggestion,
it behooves one to rule out rejection.
so i'll repeat the phrase
that the beautiful days
of October are poetic perfection.
advantages of being tall
go beyond seeing over a wall.
so wash well and groom
'fore you leave the girls' room,
cause i also see over the stall.
haha. caughtcha.
to implement savings on fuel
i obtained a disreputable mule.
when i asked for a ride
he refused with much pride,
and he challenged me there to a duel.
"How absurd!" i replied. "How imposing!
this conflict that you are proposing!
i find you quite rude,
and a lazy, crass dude,
with your ill-mannered temper disclosing."
he sat down right there on the road,
and the laughter then from his mouth flowed.
"I'm a fool now," i think
as he gave me a wink.
compliancy, he's never bestowed.
so from now on i'll stick with my car,
though gas price is outrageous by far.
no longer the fool,
i ousted the mule.
sent this rude dude right up to the stars.
i create pretty pictures with paint.
i can paint even when i feel faint.
i can paint a red rose.
i can paint your pink toes.
but Piccaso or Van Gogh i ain't.
i once owned a turtle named mertle.
and mertle was fetching and fertile.
i kept her at home
till she started to roam.
then i clothed her in a very tight girdle.
when the gals stop to powder their noses,
the boys all admire their poses.
but when daddy looks on
you'll find the boys gone
cause he demands diamonds and roses.
i'm finding when trying to sleep
it's no good to try counting sheep.
i count up to five,
then they all take a dive,
and the sheep all end up in a heap!
if you know a gal who is witty,
and on top of that, is very pretty,
you usually can bet
that she's gonna get
the most guys of all in the city.
now, when a young man is quite charming,
it can often be somewhat disarming.
the girls turn beet red
while it goes to their head.
quite frankly, i find it alarming!
the friends that i usually pick
are sharp-minded people, and quick.
but after a while
they say with a smile,
"Shirley, your mind is just sick!!!"
i know i'm suppose to be kind
to the lame and the deaf and the blind.
but those who are smart
and don't act the part
can drive me right out of my mind!!!
a big mouth is always a plus
if you can't reach the cord on the bus.
but if you get stopped
by a grumpy old cop,
you'd better not put up a fuss.
his picture was there on the paper.
he had been involve in some caper.
his first name was Ricky,
and he was quite tricky.
and he soon disappeared like a vapor.
the clock on the wall struck eleven.
the thermometer read ninety-seven.
i took a deep breath,
and it felt like death.
oh, how i wish i was in heaven.
I knew when I opened the door
I could handle the weather no more.
My plans were all shot
cause the day was too hot,
and the temps would exceed one-o-four!
While traveling back from the sea,
a sailor remarked once to me,
"While in the bahamas
I don't wear pajamas."
To which I responded, "dear me".
When going outside for a swim
my body could sure use a trim.
But that's nothing new,
and I'm telling you,
My prospects are looking quite grim.
Quite often when I'm feeling funky,
I'll do something funny or spunky.
I tried making candy
With apricot brandy,
But I ended up just getting drunky.
(bad, isn't it?)
arthritis is doing me in.
and i've taken it all on the chin.
i'd like to get better,
but due to the weather,
my chances are slimmer than thin.
when Wesley was born he was seen
as the handsomest boy ever been.
but now he's grown tall,
says the mark on the wall,
cause today our Wes-man turns thirteen!
to write words in verse is such fun.
you can write in your head on the run.
you can write in your car,
you can write in a bar,
but you'd better walk home when you're done.
there once was a daughter named Jill
who was really a regular pill.
right from the start
she thought she was smart,
but her mama can take her......at will!
when striving to live life with class,
those rumblings inside want to pass.
but here's a good tip
from one who is hip;
it might end up more than just gas. (oh oh)
when seeing a doctor it fits
that procedures are usually the pits.
and hospital stays
can go on for days,
and buddy, it sure ain't the Ritz.
if your insurance plan ain't the best,
but you think it's the best of the rest,
just hang on, dear friend,
cause you'll see in the end
Barry's plan will be hard to digest.
there once was a man named Chuck Norris,
a hero and champion for us.
but don't be alarmed if
when Chuckie is charmed
he and van Damme will break out in chorus.
this was hurriedly written by Jill Elaine Bassett Graham one day while at work.....you figure out what it means:
Shirley, Shirley, quite consquirrelly
How does your garden swim?
With silver spades, and green granades
And pretty maids, no thanks to him.
Just remember...
Out-smarting your mom isn't cool.
You may end up perched on a stool.
Cause moms have a way
Of making you pay,
And you'll end up looking the fool.
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Old geezers; they come and they go.
But usually they go pretty slow.
If you're in a hurry
There's no need to worry.
Their gas tank is just getting low.
I once had a horney-toad frog,
I fished from an old English bog.
When I got him home
He started to roam,
And ended up inside the dog.
Poor frog.
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who put all her gum in one bucket.
The gum had been chewed
And soon became glued,
And it took her three years to unstuck it.
A liar can use a term loosely,
And a housewife can keep a house sprucely.
But to feel all is right
When you're out in the night
You should probably bring along Bruce Lee.
I once knew a gal that was squirrelly.
She giggled and acted so girlie.
I asked for her name
And she blushed with such shame.
My name, sighed the girl, is Shirley.
A girl at the park was a biggy.
She ate like a regular piggy.
She said, "I'll begin
To make myself thin."
The next thing you know, she was Twiggy!
A trumpet can really be classy,
If you like a horn shiney and brassy.
But don't play too long
To practice a song.
For soon both your eyes will be glassy.
A fine instrument is a tuba.
A great way to swim is to scuba.
A good cheese is fine
With a glass of fine wine.
And "Old Blue Eyes" sang dooby-dooby-dooba.
There was a New Yorker quite charming,
Who said something once, quite alarming.
"I can't stand the noise
When I'm out with the boys,
So I guess I'll just have to try farming."
I once knew a girl with long hair.
It grew so long people would stare.
It started to fall out
And people would call out,
But she shouted back, "I don't care!"
There once was a boy at my school
Who thought himself especially cool.
But when girls walked in
He started to grin.
Then all he could do was drool.
There once was a woman quite ruthless,
Who said things to people quite truthless.
She told a young fighter
That many were brighter.
Now ruthless just walks around toothless.
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